A Not-So-Serious News Report

A Pittsburgh man has developed a third arm to help him to multitask.
Affected by the craziness of our times and overwhelmed by responsibility, Victor Amov has grown a mutated appendage below his right elbow that helps him to get more done. For all purposes, it looks like an arm.
“It turns out to be a great thing,” Amov told reporters from his suburban home where he demonstrated changing a light bulb while cleaning out the refrigerator. “It just makes life easier.” While researchers are skeptical about the possibility, some scientists indicate that other species have had similar evolutionary changes.
Dr. Roman Schlitznagle of the University of Houston points to the common earthworm as an example.
“The worm will grow its own head back, provided a child cuts it,” he said. “Why would an evolved and highly developed species such as a human not carry the same genetic tendencies?”
Known as appendageontome, the seemingly natural process was neither painful nor embarrassing for Amov.
“I am rather grateful,” he admitted, explaining how just getting out of the door each morning had become quite a chore. “I carry my lunch, a cell phone, a drink for the ride; not to mention a breakfast during my commute, any papers I need for work. All the while, I have to shoo the cat away from the door, turn off the lights to the house and fumble with keys both at the door and to get into my car. It had become a chore just to get to work. And on days it rains, forget it!”
Admitting that he almost bought a man purse, Amov is relieved the extra arm grew quickly.
“At first it was just a dull itch that grew into an uncomfortable and awkward bruise-like bump. Once it broke through the skin, it was obvious to me what was happening.”
Dr. Erin Revolu of MedFirst Hospital said that the process would not be all that painful. “It would be a lot like growing hair. Things are happening, but you never notice or feel anything at all. Much like puberty, but with quicker and less discomforting results.”
While not entirely rare, only one other case of appendageontome has been documented – that of a 1920s mobster named Thugs Calister who ran booze for moonshiners in Kentucky. The extra arm was helpful in down-shifting the often cumbersome truck he drove.
Drug dealers have long fantasized about the possibility of having an extra arm. “That would be cool,” a hooded informant told reporters. “Think how easy it would be to exchange. Not only can I say I have a gun, I can now hold the gun while my other right passes off the dope and my left hand takes the cash.”
“Yeah,” the dealer’s brother added. “It would be like octopusitis or some shit like that.”
Dr. Revolu warns not to be too optimistic, though. “I don’t see this happening for many people. While Mr. Amov’s case seems to be isolated, he does exhibit signs of mutated genes elsewhere. His head is rather large to begin with, though his intelligence seems to be minimal.”
IQ tests from 5th and 11th grades show that Amov actually decreased in intellectual capacity as he grew. Results from 1982 show an above average IQ for a twelve-year-old male, with a score of 76; however, by 1988, his IQ had dropped a staggering 47 points, leaving him as a teenager with an IQ of only 29.
Regardless, the extra arm appears to be real. It has four working fingers and a stub where the thumb would sit.
“The underdeveloped thumb is disappointing,” he said. “It would be nice to play a video game while doing work, but the nubbin – that’s what I call it – doesn’t do much.”
Others, however, are less supportive of Mr. Amov’s claims. His ex-wife, in fact, calls it a mere publicity stunt.
“He probably just wants to get onto that News of the Weird stuff or into People magazine. He once drew up a plan to kidnap himself. He is a moron,” the woman said.
Though his ex-wfe would not give her name, court records show that Amov was only married in the state of Maryland to a one Mary Smith. “He was always kinky. He is probably using it to masturbate,” she added from the porch of her trailer home in West Mifflin.
As well, a former co-worker, Dan Smith added that he believes Amov’s extra arm to be a hoax.
“Bullshit,” Smith e-mailed from HyberNotics, a refrigeration company from which Amov was “let go” in 2002. “That dude made a duct tape suit once. He is a nut job.”
When asked the purpose of the duct tape suit, Smith sent this response: “He wanted to be warmer in the freezers but also remain flexible and weather-resistant. The nimrod made an entire suit out of foam rubber and covered it with duct tape. Yeah, it worked, but geeze! What a dolt. He said he felt like a super hero in the costume.”
While doctors and friends continue to debate both the legitimacy of the extra arm as well as the merit of Amov’s claims, he happily lives a less complex life.
“Look,” he said while showing us his garage, “I can replace the blade on my mower while also winding the chord on my weedwhacker. Ouch!”
In an unrelated story, Mr. Amov recently learned that his application to be president of the Def Leppard fan club has been rejected.