Classic "Here's Something Nobody Cares About..."

I thought it would be fun every once in a while to publish an essay from the original column I wrote in college. Today's is by complete coincidence. It was published twenty years ago - almost to the day! Originally published in "The Thielensian" newspaper on March 20, 1990, an original "Here's Something Nobody Cares About...":

As warm weather pays a humble visit to Greenville, I jump at the opportunity to once again view the world from my "window of inspiration." It is a quaint little spot on campus: comfortable, confined, cozy, and flooding with memories. With the coldness of winter now passing, I can write without being frozen solid to this construction which allows me to break all laws of gravity. In other words, I won't freeze my butt off! A number of months have passed since last I sat perched high above our home to contemplate the lesser important significances of this world called planet Thiel.
However, today, I go beyond Thiel, cross the border of Greenville, and reach far and wide over the vast expanse of our universe. Today, I embark on yet another noble quest, a quest for an answer.
QUESTION: Who are "they"?
The English speaking world uses the term "they" to apply to everyone who does something significant, or does nothing at all, but since no one knows these people, we refer to them as "they." An example: "they say it's gonna rain tomorrow"..."they should fix those damn potholes..."; and the most used cliche "they" statement, "they can put a man on the moon, but they can't..."
Who are "they"?
I personally believe that "they" are a group of high school dropouts strung out on Mountain Dew, BB-Q chips and MTV, who consider themselves to be noted experts on everything. Then again, "they" could be a group of seven philosophers who, after taking Doc White's courses, thought the world was theirs to rule. These philosophers sit around a well-lit, air-conditioned room, drinking Perrier (is that spelled correctly?) and eating finger sandwiches, whatever they are. And, of course, they all drive Saaaaaabs. Perhaps, "they" are three old ladies who have nothing better to do with their lives than to annoy us.
Whoever "they" are, "they" should form a conglomerate to solve the world's problems. Wouldn't it be nice to say, "A bunch of high school dropouts, seven philosophers and three old ladies found a cure for cancer."? That would ring so much nicer in the ear. Enough of that.
A WARNING: An ice-age is expected to hit in about 100,000 years. That is 36,500,000 days from now (approximately) plus 25,000 leaps days. So make sure to stock up on parkas, sweaters, and a lot of reading material. Rumor has it's gonna be a doozy! Don't worry, though, it's not until after finals.