Dog Days Not So Far Away

I've been thinking a lot lately about being a dog owner. While it is no surprise that we as a society are dog lovers, it surprises me more and more each year just how much we will tolerate because of our affection for these creatures.

First off all, has there ever been another species in existence that willingly cleans up the waste matter of another species? I doubt it. I am no biologist, but still I doubt it. Perhaps there is some weird-looking sea-scraping creature that cleans the ocean floor of fish fecal particles, but that has little to nothing to do with us.

Reports have surfaced lately that dogs react to the theme music from television's Law and Order in a very peculiar way. They yelp, they moan, they cover their ears with theirs paws. And, really, as much as I hate anything that is cute, what is cuter than a dog attempting to cover its ears with its paws? They just can't reach far enough to serve the intended purpose, so they look like a noodle that aspires to be a pretzel on the schoolyard of culinary similes. It is a stretch. But these dogs! Apparently, our canine friends are rushing under tables to protect themselves from the mysterious tones of this show.

I don't watch the show so I may never know if this is rumor, hearsay or both, but I will delight (just a little) in watching one of our dogs bark and scamper and howl if the show happens to be on when I am surfing through cable or whatever fiber-optic-satellite-junky-million-stations-with-nothing-on subscription that I happen to pay for every month. The dog gets to watch TV for free, by the way.

This is just proof that dogs are more than special. They are like little brothers in our lives. Trust me, I know! I am a little brother and never had a littler one to mess with. One cannot help but give a little brother a hard time. It comes with the territory - a familial pecking order of sorts. The family dog fits nicely into the process. I can pick on the dog without hurting him. I can call him stupid names while rubbing behind his ears and he does not feel offended or hurt, nor is he even remotely aware that one could be insulted in the first place. The kids can dress him to look like an absolute dolt on Halloween, and the creature does not know the difference. He just stands there as laughs are filling the room and photos are capturing the moment forever. Really, he is grateful the TV is off. He is the center of attention, and he takes it so well.

If I have a bad day, my dog meets me at the door as if the most exciting thing ever (ever!) is to greet a guy from Pittsburgh at the door. If I take my dog for a ride in the car, to him it is the best thing ever! Okay, enough with the exaggerated ever! joke. But a dog reveals the simpler things in life that we might overlook. Sitting in the grass on a summer evening is grand. If only the dog were smart enough to realize that he keeps smelling his own poop, he would be half the creature we are. As well, running down the street while I (with my wife and kids in tow) yell after him, "Stop! Come here, boy. No, do not trample Miss Johnson's daisies!" seems to be the ultimate pleasure for this creature. In truth, he is laughing at us. He knows that after he has had his run of the neighborhood, he will get the slice of bologna that was intended to lure him home. It's a "reward" for coming home when really he thinks of it as his treat for making us get the exercise we so badly need. Who is the fool here? Not the dog - I am! I know he will eventually return home, panting and flashing that adorable smile that suckers me in each time. And, he knows that we humans will convince ourselves that offering the pressed sandwich meat will somehow train him not to run next time. It is Pavlovian foolery at its finest!

And then there is the couch. A dog has a sense of entitlement, as if the couch is his throne. Where did this originate? I want to know who the first American was to let his pooch jump up onto the couch to sit and watch a baseball game with him. And then, I would like to beat that person with a rolled-up newspaper. Seriously, who ever gave the dog this idea? As soon as the first beagle or Lhasa Apso pulled it off, word went around the canine universe that people will allow their dogs onto the couch. Before long, Kansas City had a Labrador hopping on a sofa, Seattle saw a Collie sprawled out on the love seat, and some mutt in Texas was snoozing on a settee. Chaos took over! Pittsburghers watched Neil O'Donnell lose Super Bowl 30, and they almost wailed at the Spaniels, Pugs and Terriers sitting next to them in disbelief. The dogs had taken over!

So, what is next? We think they are cute and cuddly and warm and friendly, and they are. We love them. But, they are plotting against us. First, they had us doing their bidding. Then, they took over our furniture. Now, they are controlling the media! See, a coup starts in just this manner. A dictator always controls the masses through the news, right? Well, the dog in your house might now be avoiding television because of the harsh tones of a detective show. But mark my word, soon they will be switching the channel on you. Dogs no longer eat the remote control. They now understand that even without the opposable thumbs that have for so long "separated us from the beasts," they can press a paw upon the up/down button and rule our lives. Huh? See! You never saw that one coming, did you?

Look, dogs are significant. Dogs are wonderful. Dogs are the best, ever! (Couldn't resist.) As an example, I ask you, what is a girl's best friend? A diamond! A cold, heartless stone. What is man's best friend? The dog! A warm, loveable creature. I'm just saying.

However, we will soon rue the day when we first scooped poop, called pooch up on to the pouffe and ran around the block to call him home. If we are not careful, they will overtake the house and have us watching reruns of Scooby or live broadcasts of some New York Kennel.

They are plotting to take over our lives, I tell you. What else would they be doing all day just sitting there waiting for us to come home?

Until the next post...